Hatred, hurted, annoyed and sadness

After past few days of improper blogging, finally I can blog something more complete.

Well, this few days can really killed me and made me aged. My Mum got into an accident and hurted her spinal cord and CGH seems to be my second home. I had to neglect my FYP and visit my Mum every single day. The accident was not supposed to take place but due to reckless driving, such sad thing happened. She just gone for a surgery yesterday and before her surgery, she was in great pain and I feel so hurted and pain for her. After her surgery now, she was still feeling slight pain and I feel so pain in my heart. Pain can really be spreaded and influenced.

I was very hurt and annoyed this few days by one of my family member.

He asked me to help but either is I don't know how to do it or I unwilling to help, and then he said that I was scared and don't dare to do it. I was not scared, I just hate to do it for you after you have hurt me so much or it was because I don't know how to do it. Long long ago, I had already lose my trust and respect for him completely. He think that I would be motivated to help him after being labeled as a coward. If I help , I can prove to him that I am not a coward. But of course I did not help and this prove that I am not a coward because scared was not the reason for not helping. I just hate to do things especially for him. I would rather help a stranger than help him. After what he said, I was more unwilling to help him and also to avoid appearing before him whenever possible.

I was very hurt when he asked me why I don't look worried because of my Mum. Why am I able to sleep soundly, eat well and having mood to do things while he don't. That is your problem can! Of course he don't have the mood because he was the one who bought the accident to my Mum.

I was indeed sleeping well, eating well and living my life happily as if nothing happened and I am proud about it. But this doesn't means that I am not worried about my Mum. I was just not expressing my worries out as sadness so as not to worry my Mum. She was already experiencing a lot of pain from her injuiry and if she see me so weak, won't that add on to her pain? By then she will be blaming on herself that she got into the accident and causing her daughter to suffer. And therefore I have to show her that I am happy and living well so that she can have less worries.

I was further annoyed and hurted when he said that when my Mum heard what I say, Mum will sure scold me for being not filial. At that time, I feel like breaking down and cried. It was too hurtful for me to accept it. He end up spoiling my mood for the whole day but still I choose not to tell my Mum about it until she was discharged and strong enough to listen about how hurtful her daughter is when she is not by her daughter side.

I was not upset with him in the first place. Only until he kept blaming the accident on other factors like the other driver, the road and spaces instead of himself. He even say that bad luck was hard to avoid. WTF! He kept thinking that he had completely no wrong. Mum said that partly was because of his reckless driving and he kept saying no no no and blame Mum for saying he was wrong. WTH! I feel like giving a tight slap on his face!

He was also very petty can. He is a man and yet he is as petty as woman! When relatives or Mum friends called to ask Mum condition, he made a big fuss that they never asked how was he. OH PLEASE, he was the driver and he got only minor surface skin injuiry. As compared to Mum, is it worth asking for his regard? He got Mum into the accident and I think some were blaming him.

I can't revert the hatred I had for him already. I tried but it was really impossible already. Whenever I try to lessen my hatred for him, he increased it and the rate of increasing hatred was faster than the rate of me trying to lessen it. I don't think I am able to respect him anymore if any kind soul want me to patch up with him.